Update on My Life

So I haven't blogged since after I got married so I guess I should start now. Well Austin and I got married July 9th, 2011 in my church in Empire CA by my pastor Thomas Morris who ended up having a stroke a couple months later and didn't make it, RIP. Then I moved down to Camp Pendleton/Oceanside, CA with Austin in a 3 bedroom 2.5 bathroom townhouse. In the middle of September I got a job at a pizza place called Santino's pizza and have been working there ever since. I was hired to work the front, which is cash register but in January 2012 they moved me to deliveries which means more hours and better tips. I was going to go home to Modesto for Christmas to pick Rosie my Yorkie up and bring her down with me but 2 months before which was in October she came down with something none of us still know what it was that ultimately forced my parents to put her down about a month before I was coming up. Therefore I started looking for a puppy Yorkie down here in the San Diego area which only consisted of the teacups which I didn't want. Finally I looked up in the Modesto area and found a lady who had 2 Males left so I made my parents look and they decided upon Rex. Austin chose the name Rexifer so I had to come up with his AKC name which is Lord Rexifer or Rex for short. He is been the best addition to the family because I now have someone around when I'm home alone in the mornings and he is the funniest to come home to because he just barks and cry's cause he is so happy to see me. November Aileen got married to Jeff at lake Arrowhead in a beautiful ceremony so now I have another in-law to add to my list (lol). I started a diet about 2-3 weeks ago and have lost 2.5 lbs so im down to 119.5 which is awesome I weight less than I did my Sr. yr of High School. My first actual vacation I took in a while was the St. Patrick's Day party Kyle Duffy threw which was awesome I really enjoyed getting out of Oceanside and seeing some friends I hadn't in a while. Since being on Camp Pendleton I have met a NASCAR Driver and a Pittsburgh Steelers football player. This weekend I'm hoping to meet Zac Efron and see his new movie The Lucky One which is limited to 1,100 ppl. Next month is my birthday May 3rd which I'm really looking forward to finally being 21 and all officially an adult and the Vegas trip Austin has planned for us. Rex is getting his last shot next Thur so he can finally go outside and feel the  grass so he's pretty excited. One Thur night when I wasn't working they have a street market next to my work and a man was making custom dog collars so of course I had to get Rex a Cowboys one.

Stress

Well I've never been good at explaining my emotions even though I guess I wear them on my sleeve because it seems as if everyone else knows how I'm feeling...except for me. Currently I'm freaking out inside & out. I'm supposed to be getting married in less than a month, with no current idea on where I'm going to live (though I'm looking for apartments in Oceanside...one possibility with 5 others waiting to get responses from), with no job yet because I don't know where I will be and I wont be able to attend community college. All I have been doing the past 20yrs of my life is school, one semester after the other with a year of part time work thrown into it along with about 7yrs of sports. I'm scared that the expectations for me are now higher than I can achieve. I have to change my job choice because of marrying into military. I now have to find a job more suitable for moving around at least every 4 years if not earlier. I was thinking Social Work but I'm not too sure yet I still have options when I get my AA in Sociology. The wedding is just more stress on top of financial & just relationship stress. When I stress I curl up in my little shell & try to block the world out but I can't because I have someone depending on me supporting and helping him. So yes, being 20 and getting married is super super stressful along with living in a different city 5hrs away from where its being thrown at isn't easy as well. Wedding planning has been bits & pieces because of my AMAZING Aunt, Grandma & parents who have helped me tons along the way since I have been down here pretty much the whole time. They are the ones getting me through this. So please please please don't ask about the wedding because that just puts more stress on me I understand you care but it makes me feel like the expectations of this wedding is like one only a rich family or God could throw which it isn't. But its my/Austin's wedding & I want it to where he likes it as well as me because in the end it about me & him and us becoming one.

What if....

You take the bottle that your friend told you to drink, it looks just like water, however it is much more than that. After you finish the bottle he turns to you and says "What if I said you could live forever without fear of dying or being killed? Well now you don't have to worry about that anymore. What you just drank will permanently stop your heart but you will continue to live". You grab your chest and feel the thumping of your heart becoming weaker and weaker as you start to cry. Screaming "Why the hell did you do this to me! I never wanted this I wanted to be with my family who has died!" Your friend walks over to you and then staring you directly in the eyes says "I don't want to lose you, I drank this and I don't want to be alone, your my best friend and I want to spend forever with you" You push him away screaming and crying, you spot the hospital and take off running towards it, as soon as you arrive you feel the last beat of your heart and you pray that right then and there you drop dead because its much better knowing that you will spend forever away from loved ones who have gone before you, waiting for you in heaven and knowing that you will have the misery of watching everyone you love that still lives slowly one by one die, knowing that you cannot, forever tormented here on earth. You return back to reality screaming for a doctor, you say that you are having a heart attack & then you see the paddles, the ones you see on medical shows that they use on people who's hearts stop beating. You run over to them praying that it will start your heart so that you can at least try to live a normal life then die and not live forever. You charge up the paddles, place them on your heart, look up to the sky and pray to God your heart starts....you shock yourself then fall on the ground, waiting for the familiar beating to begin until you pass out....

Journal

I know nobody reads this but this is like my journal. My place to put down my raw emotions fresh off the grill in my mind. This past week I feel nothing is going my way & im messing everything up. Getting a low grade on my test which could ultimately lead to me failing the class since we have only 2 tests total. To just not being able to understanding the math hw makes me feel stupid & knowing im going to fail the test next Wed makes me feel oh so much better. Along with having a test on my birthday like what else can the world throw at me?! seriously. I have 2 essays due within a week of each other both being 5pgs long, finals coming up & doing EC for the class i might fail. I have so much to do that I have to do in this last month that I can't just waste time its Finals month & people who have gone to college before know it takes like a month to be ready for Finals. So yeah I'm pissed & I'm upset at myself. Life just threw me the wrong hand at the wrong time & I'm playing them at the wrong time. So from now on there is no more fun time for me. That time has passed now its time to buckle down & get shit done. No more sleeping in & no more watching tv cause i can all my free time is going to go to finished up those damn essays that keep lingering over my head until I can't take them anymore which is now. Shit is hitting the fan & I gotta clean up the mess. Well this is me cleaning it up. I'm tired of this im tired of school cannot wait til June come til I go home. I need the week away from everything at the lake to just be with friends & no outside influences, nobody telling me what to do or who to be.

Update

Well I've been busy for over a month now just got off spring break...wasn't much of a break this whole wedding has taken over all my time I'm just sick & tired of it. Like I know people are helping me & I thank them so much because without them idk if i could do it in all honesty. I'm way to busy to deal with it. I'm overwhelmed with homework I have several essays coming up & my birthday is in a little over 3 weeks & all I'm doing is math hw & school so I mean COC is harder than Biola & I kinda wish I was still going to Biola. All our hw was pretty much reading not math problems or hella 5pg essays due its insane. I'm just trying to get through the next month then Finals will come & I will be able to go home again. I'm really looking forward to the week at the lake house with a bunch of my friends no care in the world I need it badly. Just to get away from the wedding & away from the constant nag of getting this done or that done just have me time with a bunch of friends that know me & know how to just relax me & just get to have fun on the boat & go tubing & kneeboarding like last summer

Taylor Swift

I know how some people feel about country music, I personally love it, but I think the best out of all the singers I listen to would have to be Taylor Swift. Any emotion you are feeling she has a song for. She writes her own songs based on her life so many people can relate to them. If you are feeling sad listen to Tear Drops on my Guitar. If you are feeling mad listen to Picture to Burn. If you are feeling in love listen to Love Song. If you are regretting a decision listen to Back to December. If the guy you like is with another girl then your song is You Belong with Me. If you are confused then listen to Fifteen. A happy song is Mine. Taylor Swift although she may just be starting out she's my go to artist to listen to when I'm feeling all those emotions inside me & just to hear her talk about them helps me try to sort them or just get through the feeling.

Damaged

A strong person knows how to keep their life in order. Even with tears in their eyes, they still manage to say "I'm ok" with a smile. This is so true kinda wish it wasn't :/ I really do, my walls are so high right now. People shouldn't have to be strong or pretend that they are ok. Thats what hurts the most is when you lie about being ok when there is someone you trust that you can cry on their shoulder and just tell them everything. Even in distance via txt message its still amazing to just tell someone that you trust with everything that is going on that is making you cry or hurt in pain. I think the people you love the most also hurt you the most & the deepest. Family does this a lot. Not showing up for a big moment in life, not supporting you in a decision or just not being there. I'm not saying my family does this all the time sometimes it just happens. It sucks and you cry but crying can be good, but not for days on end. That just means something big has hurt you and cut you so deep you aren't sure how to fix the holes in your heart. Danity Kane's lyrics pretty much sums it all up "I though I should let you know that my heart is damaged, damaged, so damaged....so how you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it?" I know many people can relate to this so this one is for my friends with broken hearts because of breakups or anything else through the month of love :/